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home alive   
07:23am 19/10/2004
 
mood: tired
So I made it home from my crazy trek to Kansas and back, a 20 hour drive each way. Unfortunately, several of the people I thought I was going to get to see I didn't, but I got to see other people I didn't know I'd get to, so I guess it all works out. In addition, I finally got to check out my mom's fabulous scout museum. It's been open since February or so and this is the first time I've seen it. She told me she'd been waiting for me to change out her "rotating" display as half of the stuff in the display is mine. And she's barely exaggerating! Her display theme was crafts, and it was bizarre to see representations of pretty much every craft I've done since third grade. Friendship bracelets, worry dolls, necklaces from those fabric loops everyone else used to make potholders, tin punch Christmas ornaments, beaded daisy necklaces, and on and on and on.

On the beading front, I now have beaded daisy necklaces available for sale in my mom's gift shop. In addition, I entered into a commission agreement with the local art center, who as of today will be selling my beaded ornaments. Actually, while I was home, I made my most beautiful beaded ornament ever. I could barely bring myself to leave it there for sale. Of course I can always make another one... Anyway, I'm sure pictures will appear here once we're fully unpacked and I have time to upload them.

But right now my hot water heater is broken. Which makes me very very sad. I am a big greaseball from the roadtrip and actually haven't showered since Saturday since I was sick and miserable on Sunday and at least sick and yucky yesterday. I am very, very grumpy about this turn of events. I know I can just go shower at the gym, but really, I look such a mess I don't even want to leave the house. Meh.		  
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why i miss church   
02:28pm 19/10/2004
 
mood: discontent
music: New Kicks -- Le Tigre
It's kind of bizarre for me to talk about missing going to church, as I seem to have spent most of my life complaining about having to go. Of course, living at home, I was complaining less about church as a concept and more about my literalist Sunday School teacher and thinly-veiled misogynist preacher. Which is not also to say that I didn't toy with evangelism at various points in my life. I went to teen revivals (mostly at the suggestions of a deeply religious aunt), I loved my vacation bible school, I was enamoured with a teen Christian group who came to my high school and even got suckered into buying some cheap red wristband that said "PRAY." I remember being particularly fascinated by a boy I met at a forensics event (the speech and acting competition thing, not the CSI thing) who wore a class ring with a cross etched into his stone and who lectured me on having parents who didn't believe in heaven and hell as literal places. Actually, I've always been fascinated by deeply religious boys, though in college I mostly was interested in tempting them to stray.

In Michigan, we semi-regularly attended two churches, Andrew's Church of the Brethren and my Methodist church. And although I hated giving up a good weekend sleep-in, was frequently annoyed by unfamiliar hymns at Andrew's church, and also just a little uncomfortable with the level of touchy-feeliness at Andrew's church, I really enjoyed belonging to a community not related to school, and being challenged to live a life more meaningful.

But we haven't regularly attended a church since moving to Tucson. We've only tried once, and discovered that the local Church of the Brethern is of the conservative variety, rather than the leftist, queer-friendly, anti-war, social justice variety I so enjoyed in Michigan. We've spoken a few times about other churches we might try, but on a Sunday morning, there always seems to be something else to do. Laundry, visiting the farmer's market, whatever. And I guess I've mostly been okay with that, as I haven't really insisted we change anything about it.

But lately it seems like there's been something calling me back. Whether it's all the time I've been spending lately at the Quaker meeting house (who seems to host meeting for every other progressive organization in town), to my deep admiration for my father-in-law, who spent the past month as a project leader for a disaster relief building project through his church and who is now preparing to go to Palestine as a part of a peacemaking team, to finding out that at ex-boyfriend recently suffered a punctured lung on a similar peacekeeping mission (which I learned about on Aljazeera, of all places"), to listening to my husband describe the Church of the Brethren to a friend at our reunion....

Anyway, I've been struck by two things. One is a need to reconnect with the spiritual side of myself, and with a spiritual community. And the other is a deep dissatisfaction with how I am living my life right now. I am not doing enough. Going to graduate school is not enough. I'm now doubting if being a college professor, even in environmental science is enough. I am not living the depth of my convictions. I am too worried about preserving my priviledge and increasing my "economic security." In the meantime I'm reading stories about a woman whose worst environmental sin is that she doesn't grow her own organic produce (really), and thinking about a man who I knew and went to art shows with and got drunk with who risked his own life for his beliefs about justice, and listening to a cd mix a friend sent to me about political activism that is breaking my heart.

And what in the hell am I doing with my life?

This was intended to be a post that talked about a liberal faith, based on works and social justice, and how I'm sick of the conservatives defining all religion in their narrow literalist terms. But I got distracted. Maybe I will try again later.		  
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jen needs mix help again   
06:08pm 19/10/2004
 
mood: sick
music: Swing -- Ani DiFranco
you know, if you weren't all so darn helpful, i wouldn't ask you all this so often.

So, I am making a mix called "Swing Arizona Blue."
Is supposed to be full of songs to provide inspiratation/motivation for all the hard work to do in these last weeks before the election.
I've got tons of songs to make you mad about the current state of the world, but I think I want to try and keep it positive.
Here's what I've got so far:

1. President -- Dan Bern
2. Pastures of Plenty -- Solas (Woody Guthrie cover)
3. Unless You Are Free -- Utah Phillips
4. Don't Kill -- Hamell on Trial
5. I'm a Givin' Way -- Laura Love
6. All You Fascists -- Billy Bragg & Wilco
7. If It Were Up to Me -- Cheryl Wheeler

Any great ideas?
And if anyone wants to hear any of the songs I've got so far, let me know.		  
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  greeniezona
 
 
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