I don't really know why I am posting this, other than that I had some compulsion that I should.

Here's something you may or may not know about me: I am massively, almost bone-crushingly introverted. I have been known to flee gatherings of my own devising, filled with all people that I really like and don't get to see often enough, because I have to go sit in a quiet room by myself for a while. Which makes online interaction a haven for me twice over: both because there are lots of people that I love spread out all over the country who it's hard to keep in touch with otherwise, and because online it's easy to mask when I get overwhelmed by a conversation or topic and have to go sit and process somewhere before I continue the conversation.

Every once in a while, sparked by factors I have yet to run-down, even this very carefully constructed online world that I have also gets too much for me. A few times a year I go through these very prickly self-protective periods, where basically anyone on my friendslist, here, on Facebook, anywhere, expresses any kind of opinion contrary to any opinion I may have ever felt, my knee-jerk reaction is instantly "Ack! Unfriend them!" Which is, of course, ridiculous. Most of the time I can recognize that this is ridiculous, take a deep breath, and move on. Sometimes not. And of course this always happens when I'm in this weird fragile state, so I never explain to the person what happened, I just disappear. Of course, usually when I do hit that "unfriend" button, it's with someone I never really felt I made a connection with anyway, so they probably wouldn't appreciate a "why you are not living up to my standards" lecture from me even if I were motivated to give it.

So why am I ridiculous? I took some personality quiz on Facebook a week or so ago, and it told me I had incredibly high standards for relationships. I immediately balked and said that I thought the quiz was way off in this regard, but now that I'm writing this post, it's seeming pretty dead on. I don't know where this is coming from. I don't think this was at all true for my college-age self.

Yeah, anyway, so I guess I have been avoiding livejournal for a few days, in order to not go crazy on anyone. Not that you'd notice, since my posting lately has been so erratic anyway. Though I do intend to really finish that music sharing thing one of these years. I hope that someone has been enjoying that.

I think here's the thing: I'm feeling a serious lack of discourse. A need for forums where I can express my true opinions and not be judged. Not that I need everyone to just accept and not judge my opinions themselves, but not be judged for having them. This job that I have is so political, I always feel like there are so many things that I could get "in trouble" for saying, and then of course possibly get the camp in trouble as well, that in my current non-internet space social circles, which is mostly made up of Church of the Brethren people, despite the fact that they're all good people, I feel like I am always biting my tongue.

I need to not bite my tongue here.

I'm sorry if sometimes I can't handle criticism. I'm sorry that sometimes you leave a comment on my journal and I just can't respond to it. I know it's crazy that I think I should be able to express all of my opinions very stridently and then not be able to take it when someone disagrees. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm working on explanations.

I guess the point is, if I feel like we've made a real connection, either here or in real life. I'm never going to unfriend you. I may not respond to something I feel unequipped to discuss at the moment, I may briefly avoid your journal, but in my world, once you're in, you're in. New friends or followers of my journal? It's true, if your posts stress me out more than they make me feel connected, I may drop you without warning or reason. I don't think this is unreasonable, this is, after all, primarily a personal journal. If you ever want an explanation, ask, and I'll do my best to explain.

And yes, I am still cranked up about the Amazon thing. And I'd appreciate it if you stop telling me to chill. I'll get over it when I'm ready to get over it. Okay.


By the way, I really miss sea__secret.