So yesterday was extra horrorshow. Around noon I started making calls for help. My midwife returned my call and gave me permission to take an extra Zofran immediately and another in two hours, with the instruction that if I didn't keep either pill down or I didn't feel all over better by 4 pm, I was to go into the hospital for hydration. I took the extra pills, felt some better, but at 5 pm vomited again anyway. Finally I said "enough!" and asked Andrew to take me in.

In we went. The ER nurse was some kind of miracle. I hate IVs. I have a long history of painful IVs. It's why I lost thirty pounds with Jefferson's pregnancy and fought tooth and nail every day to keep myself out of the hospital -- to avoid that IV. Anyway, this nurse nurse put it in like it was nothing. I told her she was unbelievable and she was very pleased.

Two liters of saline and some IV Phenergen later, I was feeling better but exhausted. Fatigue is a common side effect of the meds and by the time we got out of the hospital it was an hour past my new pregnancy bedtime. When I was having the IV I had some serious Burger King cravings -- I wanted fries and a BK Veggie NOW! Of course, no food or drink in the ER so we had to wait until we got out, by which time I was so tired I wasn't much interested in food. That's okay, Jefferson was more than happy to finish my food for me.

At home I went straight to bed. Andrew brought me the phone so I could call my midwife -- she'd requested a call back in the evening to let her know how I was doing because she said she'd worry all day. She was happy to hear I was feeling better and recommended an increase from two to three Zofran a day to keep me feeling that way.

In the morning I went to go post an update to Facebook. I'd kind of fallen off the internet in last week's nausea death sprial and in my super cursory checks to my email in the past few days I'd seen a few notes of concern from friends who hadn't heard from me. So I go to post that I'd been to ER, but am now feeling much better, woke up happy for once... and then checking the status updates below mine, there are several about Dr. Tiller. The antis finally won, he'd been assassinated. He was dead.

I fell apart. I can't even explain why it hit me so deeply, so personally, but it did. I joined a Facebook group in his memory. I watched and posted somebody's homemade video to Ani's "Hello Birmingham," and outed myself as someone who had crossed the picket line and gone into his clinic. (Despite not being 100% that this is true. Yes, I was the support person for a friend having an abortion. Do I remember for sure that it was his clinic? No. But it was Wichita, and I can't imagine there being a whole lot of choices in that town after his had already been bombed.) I know that doing so could actually cause backlash against not just me, but against the camp, as there are a lot of Michigan District folks on my friends list, but I felt I had to. I called my sister, who couldn't talk. I called my dad, sobbing.

Do you still not know what I am talking about? Dr. Tiller is one of the world's most famous "abortionists" by virtue of his running one of the three clinics in the country that perform abortions after twenty weeks. His clinic has been bombed. He was shot through both arms, and became a legend in pro-choice circles for returning to work the next day. It would be hard to over-exaggerate the extremes that Operation Rescue and their ilk have gone to in order to close his practice. They don't just hold up fetus pictures outside his office, no. They have had demonstrations outside of his home. They have followed the various nurses and other support staff who work in the clinic and held demonstrations outside of their home. They have waged campaigns targeting their cleaning service, anyone they can find who does business with him.

And now they've killed him.

This isn't just murder. This is assassination. This is hate crime. This is intended to send a message to every doctor in America: perform abortions and we can kill you, too. Any wonder that there are only three of these clinics left in this country? How many people could possibly remain standing against that kind of pressure? Not just the threat of violence, but the constant specious lawsuits brought by Kline when he was attorney general. The stress on everyone you know and love.

I don't know. I'm still in shock.