Unworthy

happy independence day!

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:25:25 GMT

Well, here it is, the fourth, and I'll be spending it like I always do. We're going to the local parade with Jefferson. The library is doing a small float and asked him if he wanted to be on it, but when I asked him if he'd rather be in the parade or watch the parade he said "watch it!" I think it will be a few more years before his desire for fame and glory overrides his desire to see tractors and fire trucks.

Then, a viewing of 1776, the extended cut!

Then this year we're going to Grand Rapids for fireworks. Last year my parents spoiled me by taking me to the fancy Deerfield Village fireworks display, with a full orchestra and of course the fireworks were right there. So going to Andrew's parents house to watch the fireworks across the lake, with all the low fireworks obscured by trees was just not going to cut it this year. Randomly I heard about this thing the Public Museum of Grand Rapids is doing, where they are open from 7 - 11 pm, with free carousel rides and planetarium shows, and then when the fireworks start on the river you can watch them from indoor, air-conditioned seating or from out on the patio. It had better be awesome.

I know it's a contradiction for me to be a pacifist and anti-war but be so entranced by the American Revolution. I keep joining communities like Facebook's Bill of Rights fan page and then find myself surrounded by libertarians. (A position I just don't understand. I mean, what is the practical difference between libertarianism and anarchy? And under anarchy, what's to even nominally stop the rule of the rich, the powerful, and the corporations? I don't get it.) Perhaps someday I will find some way to reconcile these two beliefs within myself, the way that the book God After Darwin finally gave me the tools to reconcile my "evolution explains everything" belief and my need to experience religion through the lens of Christianity. Perhaps. We'll see. I don't think there's as big a market for pacifists who love the revolution as for Christians who believe in evolution. Despite the nice resonances in that sentence.

out of hiding

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:46:06 GMT

to post an article you need to read:

Gays are the New Niggers
by Rev. Osagyefo Uhuru Sekou
at an old favorite of mine, Killing the Buddha

Rustin, however, places the burden of proof on the queer community. There are responsibilities that come to those who claim to be oppressed. Indifference to the suffering of other human beings cannot be a part of one’s own struggle, he insists. The queer community cannot work toward justice for itself alone. It must, self-critically, reject all forms of prejudice. Rustin writes that a society that denies school children food will never grant gay rights. By the same logic, a society that rejects universal health, embraces preemptive war, and houses more black men in prison than in college will never grant queer folks their God-given rights or their rights as democratic citizens.

Did you know that one of the most famous advocates of Gandhian nonviolence in America, and the man primarily responsible for bringing this approach to the civil rights movement was an openly gay black man named Bayard Rustin? I'm embarrassed to not know this.

just one more thing on dr. tiller

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 20:33:28 GMT

The women in my father's practice for whom he did abortions educated me and taught me that abortion is about women's hopes, dreams, potential, the rest of their lives. Abortion is a matter of survival for women.

When it became legal and my patients began to ask for it, I'd say, "Sure. It's a legal process." I was a service provider. I was a physician. The patients needed abortions, and I did them. It is my fundamental philosophy that patients are emotionally, mentally, morally, spiritually and physically competent to struggle with complex health issues and come to decisions that are appropriate for them.

Why I Perform Abortions
by Dr. George R. Tiller, MD

short pregnancy update and Dr. Tiller rant

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:08:30 GMT

So yesterday was extra horrorshow. Around noon I started making calls for help. My midwife returned my call and gave me permission to take an extra Zofran immediately and another in two hours, with the instruction that if I didn't keep either pill down or I didn't feel all over better by 4 pm, I was to go into the hospital for hydration. I took the extra pills, felt some better, but at 5 pm vomited again anyway. Finally I said "enough!" and asked Andrew to take me in.

In we went. The ER nurse was some kind of miracle. I hate IVs. I have a long history of painful IVs. It's why I lost thirty pounds with Jefferson's pregnancy and fought tooth and nail every day to keep myself out of the hospital -- to avoid that IV. Anyway, this nurse nurse put it in like it was nothing. I told her she was unbelievable and she was very pleased.

Two liters of saline and some IV Phenergen later, I was feeling better but exhausted. Fatigue is a common side effect of the meds and by the time we got out of the hospital it was an hour past my new pregnancy bedtime. When I was having the IV I had some serious Burger King cravings -- I wanted fries and a BK Veggie NOW! Of course, no food or drink in the ER so we had to wait until we got out, by which time I was so tired I wasn't much interested in food. That's okay, Jefferson was more than happy to finish my food for me.

At home I went straight to bed. Andrew brought me the phone so I could call my midwife -- she'd requested a call back in the evening to let her know how I was doing because she said she'd worry all day. She was happy to hear I was feeling better and recommended an increase from two to three Zofran a day to keep me feeling that way.

In the morning I went to go post an update to Facebook. I'd kind of fallen off the internet in last week's nausea death sprial and in my super cursory checks to my email in the past few days I'd seen a few notes of concern from friends who hadn't heard from me. So I go to post that I'd been to ER, but am now feeling much better, woke up happy for once... and then checking the status updates below mine, there are several about Dr. Tiller. The antis finally won, he'd been assassinated. He was dead.

I fell apart. I can't even explain why it hit me so deeply, so personally, but it did. I joined a Facebook group in his memory. I watched and posted somebody's homemade video to Ani's "Hello Birmingham," and outed myself as someone who had crossed the picket line and gone into his clinic. (Despite not being 100% that this is true. Yes, I was the support person for a friend having an abortion. Do I remember for sure that it was his clinic? No. But it was Wichita, and I can't imagine there being a whole lot of choices in that town after his had already been bombed.) I know that doing so could actually cause backlash against not just me, but against the camp, as there are a lot of Michigan District folks on my friends list, but I felt I had to. I called my sister, who couldn't talk. I called my dad, sobbing.

Do you still not know what I am talking about? Dr. Tiller is one of the world's most famous "abortionists" by virtue of his running one of the three clinics in the country that perform abortions after twenty weeks. His clinic has been bombed. He was shot through both arms, and became a legend in pro-choice circles for returning to work the next day. It would be hard to over-exaggerate the extremes that Operation Rescue and their ilk have gone to in order to close his practice. They don't just hold up fetus pictures outside his office, no. They have had demonstrations outside of his home. They have followed the various nurses and other support staff who work in the clinic and held demonstrations outside of their home. They have waged campaigns targeting their cleaning service, anyone they can find who does business with him.

And now they've killed him.

This isn't just murder. This is assassination. This is hate crime. This is intended to send a message to every doctor in America: perform abortions and we can kill you, too. Any wonder that there are only three of these clinics left in this country? How many people could possibly remain standing against that kind of pressure? Not just the threat of violence, but the constant specious lawsuits brought by Kline when he was attorney general. The stress on everyone you know and love.

I don't know. I'm still in shock.

random brain worm of the day

Mon, 11 May 2009 13:07:28 GMT

So I woke up this morning after having a lovely Oceans 11 type dream featuring the lovely Brad Pitt. And as I was sitting in my chair, waiting for breakfast to settle in the hopes of keeping it down, I scanned our movie collection to see if we had any appropriate Brad Pitt movies to keep my brain in its happy place while my digestive system righted itself.

Anyway, I came to the interesting conclusion that while I certainly have favorite actors, male and female, (Brad Pitt would not ordinarily be one of them, pregnancy dreams not-withstanding), those favorites are not really reflected in the movie purchases we have chosen. In fact, if you lumped all of the Lord of the Rings movies together as one movie (and really, you have too, otherwise anyone associated with those pictures would automatically win), then I was hard pressed to identify *any* actor of whose work we owned more than two movies.

Finally, with Andrew's help, we came up with two people who each had three movies on our shelves:
Emma Thompson (Much Ado About Nothing, Sense and Sensibility, Stranger than Fiction)
Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings, The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert)

Emma Thompson certainly deserves to be one of our most purchased actors, and the fact that Hugo Weaving was the other gave me a little giggle.

Unless of course, you count voices on animated movies, in which case Alison Janney would win.

Anyway, so it made me wonder. In your movie collections, are your favorite actors more clearly reflected? Could someone come over to your house, take one glance at your movies and say, "Well, someone has a thing for Chow Yun-Fat?" Or does it surprise you to see who has the most representation as well?

Wait! Rupert Everett! (An Ideal Husband, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Stardust).

Innnnteresting.

pregnancy sickness recap

Tue, 05 May 2009 17:34:55 GMT

Long story short: thought I was going to keep on top of the morning sickness with the ol' Unisom+B6 this time around. I was wrong. By the weekend I was in the death spiral. Not keeping anything down, weeping without really having the energy to weep, a total apathy and disinterest in everything. Pretty much the only form of entertainment I could bear to keep me from the brink of brain death was watching our Jane Austen dvds...

Then Monday, *insert sound of angel chorus here*, I called the midwife who I had not yet seen. Told her I was falling apart and asked if she could call me in a prescription for ondansetron (Zofran) so that I could pick it up and maybe make the one hour drive to her office. Amazingly, she did. Compared to the hoops I had to jump through to get Zofran from my OB office, I'm ready to scrap the OBs on this offense alone.

So I made it to the midwife. And she was lovely. And here I am, seriously, seriously considering a home birth.

But I have lots of time to make that particular decision.

Right? Right.

My dad thinks I should schedule an interview with my assigned OB to talk about my questions and concerns. I probably should, even though I don't want to. Though in the next week or so I need to make the decision of whether I'm using the OB office or the midwife for my pre-natal care. Here's where I currently am in that decision:

OB office: if I call with a question or prescription request, there is a 30% chance I will get to talk to a nurse, 70% chance I will get to talk to a machine. If I talk to the machine, there is a 90% chance that it will be 4:45 pm before my call is returned or my prescription is called in.

Midwife: I call the midwife, I get the midwife. When I requested the Zofran, I called the pharmacy ten minutes later to confirm that I could pick it up that afternoon, they'd already gotten the order.

OB office: pretty much told me I had to have a 12-week sonogram (which I do not want to pay for), but that I could skip the 20-week sonogram if I really, really wanted to.

Midwife: Told me all tests are always my choice, though did a nice job of explaining the reasoning for wanting the 20-week sonogram.

OB office: Fee for prenatal care and delivery (minus facility and hospital charges): ~$4000.

Midwife: Fee for prenatal care and delivery (minus sonograms): $2300.

OB office: Makes me feel like a faceless lump of clay to be pressed through their series of molds.

Midwife: Already had a lengthy discussion about how Jefferson's large (for a first baby) size was more than likely due to my high-glucose diet, in my desperate attempt to regain weight after all the many many pounds I lost to morning sickness. She has suggested trying a low glycemic index diet for this pregnancy, which makes me cranky, but strikes me as reasonable and proactive.

I think it's fairly clear which side I'm leaning towards.

chronicles of pregnancy, part two

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:49:45 GMT

I don't know why I feel the need to document all the gory details publicly, but I do. Feel free to move on past.

So, life's been interesting. My dad has been flooding me with propaganda on a medication available only in Canada for morning sickness, but which is basically just Unisom + B6. So Friday night I took my prenatal, plus a B6 and one Unisom tablet. Saturday I felt so good I was actually worried. I spent the morning over at the lodge, being available for the members of the district board, who were having their meeting at camp this weekend. I even had a somewhat normal lunch with everyone, before returning to the house with Jefferson while Andrew tried to hunt down everyone he needed for his committee meeting.

Let me tell you, it's a very strange state of mind to be worried because you *aren't* sick. The Unisom + B6 combo never did anything for me before, but I was further down the morning sickness death spiral when I tried it with both previous pregnancies, because I wanted to get prior approval from my doctor before starting any new medications. When I started feeling a little nausea again in the evening, I was actually relieved. So that night, feeling optimistic, I took my second Unisom+B6 dose and planned to go visit the in-laws the next day.

Well Sunday morning I wasn't feeling quite up to church, so Andrew dropped me off at his parents house and took Jefferson to church without me. I made use of the time by watching The Business of Being Born on Netflix On-Demand, since they have lovely high speed internet. I have to say, despite the excessive propaganda which occasionally annoyed me, the movie really didn't do anything good for my attitude about my ridiculous lack of choice in giving birth out in the sticks. There are no practicing midwives in my neck of the woods, and I'm sorry to say, that I don't have a whole lot of confidence in my OB or in the local practice.

Anyway, when they all got home from church, we had lunch, and that's when everything went wrong. I was feeling good again, so I broke nearly all of my morning sickness rules, and I dearly paid for it.

But let me back up. Based on some websites and following the dictates of my own stomach, here are the morning sickness rules I've been following this time around:

1. Eat every two hours.

2. Never combine eating and drinking. Wait until a half hour after eating to drink fluids.

3. Increase protein in my diet, reduce fat.

4. Lots and lots and lots of fruit.

5. No caffeine.

This has all been working incredibly well so far, up until yesterday's lunch when I threw all caution to the wind. Here is the extent of my stupidity: 1. I ate mostly fat: a cheese and sour cream heavy potato dish. 2. I had a Pepsi. With lunch. 3. After I got a signal that it was time to stop eating, I had some more potatoes anyway.

Now here's something I really should know about my body by now: caffeine plus greasy cheese food = intestinal troubles, post haste. When you add that to the fact that I had not had ANY caffeine in the past week, trouble was bound to ensue. Sure enough, I was soon making multiple, urgent runs to the bathroom. On the second trip I had to holler for Andrew to bring me a bucket, and up came lunch. :(

Well, so, I'm an idiot. On the plus side, back on my rules, it's been 24 hours and I haven't puked again. So we aren't on the death spiral just yet. I worked at rehydrating myself this morning and am feeling downright perky at the moment. I even had half a #6 at Jimmy John's for lunch.

Anyway, back another step, this morning was the first OB visit. And boy, did I throw them a bunch of curveballs. According to them, today was supposed to go: intake interview, PAP and pelvic exam, pregnancy urine test then send me over to the lab for bloodwork. But remembering both puking all over the lab last time and also how much that labwork cost me out of pocket, I had some questions for them.

Now first of all, I wouldn't describe what happened last time with the bloodwork as informed consent. They told me I was going over for an AIDS test, which was highly recommended by the state of Michigan, though I could sign a waiver to skip it. That time I wasn't feeling difficult, so I just consented to the test. However, once I got there I found out there was actually a whole barrage of tests, 6 or 7, rather than just the one.

So this time I explain that although I have health insurance, it's going to pay for virtually nothing, so I don't want any unnecessary tests. So I ask her what all those tests are for. Basically she starts listing all these STDs, and I tell her I don't want those. Before I can explain to her that I'm in a monogamous relationship and that I can promise her I haven't contracted any of those diseases since my last negative results, she starts explaining that a lot of these tests may be required for their malpractice insurance and that she doesn't have the authority to waive them for me, I'll have to talk to my doctor. (Because the intake exam is done by a PA, not by an OB). Basically we agree to postpone the bloodwork until my next visit, which will be with my OB.

Then there's my other issue with my next visit: because I couldn't tell them for certain the date of my last period (though I know within a few days), they want an ultrasound to date the embryo. To which I say, I don't want to pay for an extra ultrasound. And she says, well, we need on at 12 weeks to date the pregnancy, but if you talk to your doctor maybe you won't need the 20 week ultrasound. Which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. They didn't need an ultrasound to date the pregnancy last time, when I didn't express uncertainty about my period date, and doesn't the 20 week ultrasound actually check for some important developmental issues as well?

Plus, when I asked how a patient was assigned to a particular OB in their practice, basically they didn't answer my question at all. Then, when I asked if there were any doctors in their practice that had a reputation for fewer or more interventions in the birth process, she didn't answer that question either, but pawned me off by assuring me that I should talk to my assigned OB and that she thought my doctor was very sweet and would be willing to go along with anything that she thought would be good for the health of me and my baby. (But what, exactly, she thinks is good for the health of me and my baby) is exactly the issue.

So I'm having more and more daydreams about somehow moving back to Tucson for the birth, so that I could go to my birth center there, or somehow arranging to be in Canada when I'm due, or even going back to Kansas, as I really liked the OB who handled my miscarriage.

These things are not realistic, I know, but I can think about them anyway.

After the doctor visit, we headed to the grocery store to stock up on fruit and SweetTarts and Chewy Sprees and sweet corn cereal and Kool-aid. Woo! While we were there we were amused to see that Meijer has instituted some sort of standard nutritional rating system. So now nearly all (they're still implementing) food items have a number on their tag between 1 and 100, 1 indicating poor nutritional value, 100 indicating excellent nutritional value. The cereal aisle was very interesting, as all the cereals (including Andrew's beloved Life) seemed to have values from 21 - 35, except for my favorite cereal, shredded wheat with bran (yes, really), which had a 91. Andrew picked up a pamphlet on their rating system, but I haven't looked at it yet.

Well, I have to go find some food to eat now. Plus, I've rambled long enough.

Everybody loves an icon meme

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:29:52 GMT

1. Reply to this post with 'Icons!', and I will pick five of your icons.
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.

as requested by azewewish:

1.amaryllise
Well, yes. This one is back from my Neopets days. Way back a hundred years ago when I stumbled into the livejournal community, well, I actually found it from a Neopets friend who had recently made the leap to livejournal herself, mooseloon. Yes, it's an online pet world. I still maintain that it's vastly superior to nearly any other site in that category. Whatever. Back when I made the occasional post about Neopets stuff, I'd use this icon. These days, it's rare appearances are made when nothing else is just excessively cute enough.

2.Jefferson
This is little animated icon that mooseloon made for me of some pictures she took of my son, Jefferson, when she was visiting us out in Tucson. I don't use it very often anymore, because he's so much older now. I keep thinking I'm going to make a more recent icon of Jefferson, but evidently I'm too lazy.

3.dan bern
This is the musician Dan Bern, who I adore. Particularly for his offbeat take on religion, which mixes tradition with the absurd, always seems to be smirking, but usually comes out on the side of hope. (For a perfect example, see the lyrics to Lightning Jazz.) I had a brief music meme thing going on where I'd pick a favorite, relatively obscure musician, and post a handful of their songs in an effort to spread the love. Anyway, back when I was doing this, I made an icon of each artist that I featured.

4.hafiz (icon by iconomicon)
This is a poetry fragment from Hafiz, a 14th century poet and Sufi mystic. To be more precise, it is a fragment translated by Daniel Ladinsky in his book, Love Poems from God, a book which I love and treasure. And I just think it's beautiful, don't you? I use this icon when I'm talking about poetry, or when I'm just feeling lit up myself.

5.ohno! matches (icon by iconomicon)
I don't remember how I found iconomicon, but I love his regular dumps of just random, crazy, all over the map icons, ranging from the terribly sweet to skirting the line of obscenity. This one just proved irresistible. It's good for anger, stress, amazement, or any other emotion that might make you feel like your head may explode.

So, there you have it. You know the drill. Comment and I'll pic out some of your icons to post about. Though once you do, I may make you pick out another of my icons to explain. Because, you know, I'm self-centered like that.

hyper-vigilance

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:29:18 GMT

I would be the first to acknowledge that perhaps I am being overly-cautious with my new, glued to the reclining chair in the living room routine of inactivity. There are occasional bursts where I feel "fine" and go do something productive: put some laundry away, help Jefferson clean up so we can get out something new to do, sort some recycling, but then there is a troubling cough, or just some general queasiness, and I retreat quickly back to my chair.

I know this is ridiculous. But you try losing 30 pounds in 3 weeks and see how casual you are about nausea.

Thankfully I have a work-at-home job, and one that at this time of year I can mostly do from one chair, though on Friday I'll have to hoof it over to the lodge to meet with some people for the district board meeting (I don't have to attend the whole meeting, thankfully, just drop in with some people who are coming early for commission meetings.) Which will be a good time to grab a couple of folders from my office so that I can finish the rest of the crucial April tasks.

Anyway, I was trying to remember what I was eating in the first trimester the first time around, and I think I just tried to eat "normally" until I couldn't eat anymore. In fact, I can remember puking up some foods that were pretty stupid to even try to get down. Somehow it seems like I'm finding better morning sickness advice on the internet this time. Lemons! How did no one tell me about lemons before! Yesterday I spent pretty much the entire day with a lemon attached to the end of my nose. Jefferson was of course baffled by this behavior and kept coming over to smell the lemon, too.

Jen's answers to frequently asked questions:
According to my best attempt at remembering the start of my last period and a randomly chosen website, my due date is Decemeber 18.

No, I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I have an appointment for Monday morning. I will be requesting a different OB from last time.

No, I haven't actually puked yet. (knocks wood)

No, Jefferson has no idea what's going on. Considering a) what happened last time I was preganant and b) a three-year-old's concept of time and finally c) how many time he's going to have to hear the question "And how do you feel about having a baby brother or sister?" anyway, we're plan on delaying this realization for months.

oh yeah, there's that

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:21:48 GMT

Possible explanation for my excessive prickliness and self-protection over the last week:

A recent urine test revealed the presence of hCG.

Everything makes sense now.

jen's impossibly high standards?

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:01:52 GMT

I don't really know why I am posting this, other than that I had some compulsion that I should.

Here's something you may or may not know about me: I am massively, almost bone-crushingly introverted. I have been known to flee gatherings of my own devising, filled with all people that I really like and don't get to see often enough, because I have to go sit in a quiet room by myself for a while. Which makes online interaction a haven for me twice over: both because there are lots of people that I love spread out all over the country who it's hard to keep in touch with otherwise, and because online it's easy to mask when I get overwhelmed by a conversation or topic and have to go sit and process somewhere before I continue the conversation.

Every once in a while, sparked by factors I have yet to run-down, even this very carefully constructed online world that I have also gets too much for me. A few times a year I go through these very prickly self-protective periods, where basically anyone on my friendslist, here, on Facebook, anywhere, expresses any kind of opinion contrary to any opinion I may have ever felt, my knee-jerk reaction is instantly "Ack! Unfriend them!" Which is, of course, ridiculous. Most of the time I can recognize that this is ridiculous, take a deep breath, and move on. Sometimes not. And of course this always happens when I'm in this weird fragile state, so I never explain to the person what happened, I just disappear. Of course, usually when I do hit that "unfriend" button, it's with someone I never really felt I made a connection with anyway, so they probably wouldn't appreciate a "why you are not living up to my standards" lecture from me even if I were motivated to give it.

So why am I ridiculous? I took some personality quiz on Facebook a week or so ago, and it told me I had incredibly high standards for relationships. I immediately balked and said that I thought the quiz was way off in this regard, but now that I'm writing this post, it's seeming pretty dead on. I don't know where this is coming from. I don't think this was at all true for my college-age self.

Yeah, anyway, so I guess I have been avoiding livejournal for a few days, in order to not go crazy on anyone. Not that you'd notice, since my posting lately has been so erratic anyway. Though I do intend to really finish that music sharing thing one of these years. I hope that someone has been enjoying that.

I think here's the thing: I'm feeling a serious lack of discourse. A need for forums where I can express my true opinions and not be judged. Not that I need everyone to just accept and not judge my opinions themselves, but not be judged for having them. This job that I have is so political, I always feel like there are so many things that I could get "in trouble" for saying, and then of course possibly get the camp in trouble as well, that in my current non-internet space social circles, which is mostly made up of Church of the Brethren people, despite the fact that they're all good people, I feel like I am always biting my tongue.

I need to not bite my tongue here.

I'm sorry if sometimes I can't handle criticism. I'm sorry that sometimes you leave a comment on my journal and I just can't respond to it. I know it's crazy that I think I should be able to express all of my opinions very stridently and then not be able to take it when someone disagrees. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm working on explanations.

I guess the point is, if I feel like we've made a real connection, either here or in real life. I'm never going to unfriend you. I may not respond to something I feel unequipped to discuss at the moment, I may briefly avoid your journal, but in my world, once you're in, you're in. New friends or followers of my journal? It's true, if your posts stress me out more than they make me feel connected, I may drop you without warning or reason. I don't think this is unreasonable, this is, after all, primarily a personal journal. If you ever want an explanation, ask, and I'll do my best to explain.

And yes, I am still cranked up about the Amazon thing. And I'd appreciate it if you stop telling me to chill. I'll get over it when I'm ready to get over it. Okay.

By the way, I really miss sea__secret.

google bombing Amazon for equality

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:22:54 GMT

C'mon, everyone loves google bombing! Why don't you join in?

Here's the link:
http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/amazonrank
Post this link with the text "Amazon Rank" on your livejournal. Like this:

Amazon Rank

Don't know what I'm talking about? Well it seems that Amazon.com recently made the charming decision to "protect" their customers by removing the sales ranking information for "adult" books, which of course affects their ability to show up in searches on Amazon, in some cases making it near impossible to find the book that you're looking for. What do they deem too "adult" for all readers? Well, sex, of course. Yes, they still sell fur coats, tomes on how to train dogs for dog fighting, and somehow, still have a number of Playboy picture collections. But nearly every book with any kind of GLBT content? All but erased.

While you're at it, you should go sign this petition asking Amazon to reverse the policy:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/in-protest-at-amazons-new-adult-policy

a morning of small treasures

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:03:11 GMT

One of the many aspects of my life that I need to work on is practicing gratitude. As I was stuck by a happy grateful contentness this morning on my walk back up to the lodge after taking out the mail, I thought I'd do a livejournal post. Small treasures from this morning:

Confirming my new method for identifying juncos in flight.
Discovering pony beads embedded in the grass and soil on the hills of camp.
Getting an unusually close steady look at a woodpecker.
Receiving a notification from paperbackswap this morning that I'm being offered the first of the Sweet Pickles books I recently put on my wishlist there.
Listening to the lovely Kate Mann songs I found on ninebullets.net.
Getting a small dose of community with the Standing in the Gap retreat at camp this weekend.

Do you remember the Sweet Pickles books? I loved them when I was a kid. Somehow viscioustart and I got talking about them one day, and she confessed she bought the whole set on eBay for her kids. So now that Jefferson is getting to be about that age, I decided to check eBay yesterday and see how much they're selling for. And, well, I wouldn't say they're *ridiculously* priced, but they were definitely a lot more than I wanted to pay! So on a lark, I went to paperbackswap to put a few on my wishlist, figuring they'd probably sit there forever, but that some day I might get lucky. But then this morning! I got an email saying I was at the top of the queue and did I want to request Very Worried Walrus? Yes! I do! I've had a short conversation with the woman offering the book and it should go out in the mail either today and tomorrow. Whee!

By the way, I am also happy to have a use for this new icon, which I am currently dedicating to sea__secret.

going to hell anyway? it's a trick. get an axe.

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:01:45 GMT

Middle Ground
by Jessa Crispin

Once again, we live in a land of extremes. It’s sometimes hard to remember that most believers, as White puts it, “combine, harmonize, and live with ambiguity,” when the people making the most noise are yelling that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, or that God is a lie and the only truth is science. White’s book is a helpful — and delightfully written, with real warmth and wit — reminder that science and faith are not mortal enemies, but have been intermingling and cross-breeding for generations.

Ah, Calvinism. Having grown up in Kansas in a Methodist household, I heard this doctrine referred to many times, but never really explained. It was usually in the context of something like "a Calvinist work ethic," or something else equally meaningless. Now all of the sudden my husband keeps telling me about the resurgence of Calvinism in modern times, but pretty much the only summary he's given me is that it's a lot about predestination. Which doesn't really do anything for me.

But, did you know that John Calvin was a crazy domineering bastard? Who installed a theocratic government in Geneva, Switzerland, outlawing playing cards, dancing, singing and burning women at the stake? Fun!

Middle Ground is a history of religion during the Victorian age -- torn between stoic Calvinism on the one side and revivalist evangelicals on the other, the rise of evolutionary theory and psychology as a science was accompanied by a serious attempt to rationally study religion, finding out how people really experienced it, and how to find healthier, more functional religious practices.

As usual, after reading one of Jessa's columns on Smart Set, I need this book to live.

The Turtle Project Poll

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 16:03:18 GMT

View Poll: The Turtle Project Poll

The Turtle Project

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 15:40:19 GMT

a mess of turtles
Originally uploaded by greeniezona

When I said I beaded up a storm of turtles during my Virginia retreat, I wasn't messing about.

Of course, these aren't *all* from my retreat. These are all of the beaded turtles currently in my possession available for sale or trade. But most of these are new.

So. Here is something that has been taking up about 10% of my brain space at all times lately. I blame rebecoming. She started it by putting together a benefit shop on etsy for some friends in the art community dealing with unexpected medical expenses, soliciting donations from artist and crafter friends, with 100% of purchases going to the cause. The next piece was a series of turtle-related advocacy campaigns that I promoted on Facebook. So Emma suggested: why not start a turtle benefit craft shop?

I've been kind of obsessing over this idea ever since. Well, first I had to finish the last bead challenge. And then there's the bead embroidery project that is actually taking up about 20% of my waking brain right now. And after that, there's a fundraiser for camp in May that I wanted to sell some beadwork for.

Anyway, what I think I want now at this point is some feedback! So I'm going to put together a little poll for the decisions that I'm still deliberating on. I would seriously love to hear your opinions.

But first I wanted to show you my turtles. :)

We are all descended from TURTLES! I knew it!

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 12:36:17 GMT

This comic had me giggling like a madwoman this morning. I'm almost thankful that Bookslut was half-broken, because I somehow missed the link when she originally posted it:

Darwin's original theory: we are all descended from turtles

Andrew, surprisingly, took this all too literally this morning, concerned that this would suggest a casual haphazardness to evolutionary theory that would support fundamentalist suspicions. I, however, being a solid proponent of evolutionary theory, and knowing most of my livejournal audience is as well, have no compunctions about being thoroughly amused.

How fetal personhood laws will hurt ALL pregnant women

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:03:46 GMT

Why is it that I feel a strong need to post any videos that make me tear up?

It's highly ironic that the very constituency expected to support fetal personhood: the quiverful home-birthers, is one of the populations most likely to have their reproductive choices invalidated by said laws.

But seriously? A women taken into custody and restrained for attempting a vaginal birth after a c-section? Medical procedures forced on pregnant women against their will? And this is the culture of life?

i hates i hates i hates the free credit report guys!

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:23:28 GMT

Plus, as it turns out, they're scamming you. With the promise of your "free" credit report which they only want you to see if you buy their $15/month credit monitoring service. As it turns out, their parent company, Experian, has a history of flouting the law and not providing the free credit reports that they're supposed to. They've been prosecuted by the FTC in the past. And while the FTC is monitoring them for outright illegal behavior (as opposed to just bait-and-switch advertising), in the meantime they've produced their own videos spoofing Experian's commercials in an attempt to get the word out.

So remember kids. All those companies spending lots of advertising dollars trying to get you your free credit report? Probably not free. Instead, embrace the new socialism and go straight to the federal government with your needs: annualcreditreport.com

For the record, my hatred for the freecreditreport commercials stems from the charming "apartment" commercial, in which our gallant hero whines that if he'd known his wife's credit score, he never would have married her. Lovely, lovely.

new music sharing mission

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:04:12 GMT

So, a whole one person expressed interest in my doing another music sharing mission, but evidently that's all the encouragement I need! So later today, barring crises Jefferson-caused or otherwise, I should be posting the A installment. Currently I'm listening to the shortlist for B, trying to pare it down for tomorrow. ;)

Rules!
Follow your own consciences regarding mp3 downloading. I trust you all as ethical beings. Of course what I am really hoping for is that some of you may discover some new artist that you love and end up going out to support them by buying their cds/mp3s/merch or attending their concerts. If this does happen, I'd love to hear about it! If not, I know your money and time are limited resources, and I'll also be happy just to provide you a little bit of entertainment for the moment.

Feedback always encouraged!
Let me know if you love something, if you hate something. If you want more by this artist or in this style. This particular incarnation of the meme I'm going to focus on music I've discovered since I did this last, so I'm telling you now it's going to be pretty alt-country, roots rock heavy. But there will be some other different sounds as well. Let me know what strikes your fancy!

This is all going to be behind a friends-cut. I'm not trying to supply music to the whole of the internet. So if you're reading this and you aren't on my friends list (you may want to check my userinfo if you aren't sure, I've made a few culls lately), leave a comment here! Don't have a livejournal account? Just suck it up and get one. It won't hurt, I promise.

Book #9: Daughter of Elysium by Joan Slonczewski

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:54:18 GMT

Daughter of Elysium by Joan Slonczewski

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
Not exactly a sequel, Daughter of Elysium is the second book in the Elysium cycle, following Door Into Ocean. Like Door, Daughter takes place on Shora, but many centuries later. Several new "races" of humans are introduced: the beautiful and long-lived but detached Elysians, to the Goddess-worshiping, family-centered, martial arts experts from Bronze Sky -- the Clickers, the impoverished & overcrowded L'liites, the testosterone-dominated Urulites, and the servos -- who aren't actually human, but may or may not be sentient.

This is a very ambitious bit of SF -- there are a lot of balls in the air and I'm not sure I believe that she lands them all soundly. Then again, some may be deliberately left alight for the next book in the series? I don't know. That aside, it was nice to be back in the Sharer world again, though most of the worldview this time was filtered through the eyes of the Clickers. Much of the focus in this book was on reproduction and population management. It was somewhat frustrating that there was a complete absence of the theory that given the empowerment of women and a stable economic environment, women will limit their own reproduction and population growth will tend toward zero. Still, there were interesting ideas here and intriguing characters aplenty. Enough to make me seek out the next book in the series, anyway.

View all my reviews.

i ain't afraid of no ghost

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:27:16 GMT

So, after three book reviews in a row, I thought I should take a break and do something else. Like answer another question. This one is from rebecoming again:

Do you believe in ghosts? If so, what do you believe ghosts are? Do you believe that people remain somehow intact, spiritually, after they die?

You know, I saw this fairly terrible movie, recently, Over Her Dead Body (my problems with this movie could be another entire post, really). But this question is actually making me wish I hadn't immediately returned it to Netflix, so that I could transcribe this bit of dialogue. But I'll give you the rough version:

Guy's fiancee dies on his wedding day. A year later, he's still not over it, so his sister drags him to a psychic (who also happens to be a hot chick who will become his future love interest, but whatever). He's clearly skeptical.

So she asks him if he believes in this stuff. He says he's keeping an open mind. That, you know, it's never been proven. After hundreds of years and thousands of test, but... But you're keeping an open mind, she interrupts. Yeah, he says, isn't it obvious?

I thought it was one of the few funny moments in the movie. It's a little bit relevant. Let me get to the point.

I don't really believe in ghosts. Not like people who believe in ghosts believe in ghosts. That said, I don't disbelieve in them. I'm keeping an open mind. A skeptical open mind, because, after all, there's the hundreds of years and thousands of tests mentioned above... But there are still a lot of gaps, things we can't explain, places where "ghosts" could be hiding. Supposedly William James did some massive research project and concluded that people were actually able to "sense" the moment of a loved one's death while physically separated from them at a rate way above chance. How did they do that? I have no idea. I am open to the possibility that we are all much more connected than a materialist interpretation of science would say that we are.

That said, I also don't really believe in an intact, continuous spiritual life after death. It's just not a part of my theology. I think that our souls are poured out of our bodies into a more radical and complete connection with the rest of the universe. There doesn't really seem to be a reason or a point for maintaining an individual consciousness in that condition.

That's a dangerous question for me to answer. I know there are those who would say that if those are my beliefs, then I can't really be a Christian. I, of course, would disagree. But this post is not the place for that theological discussion.

Book #8: Love in a Fallen City by Eileen Chang

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:08:33 GMT

Love in a Fallen City by Eileen Chang

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I put this book on my Paperbackswap wishlist ages ago (Probably from an ad in the New York Review of Books). I received it just before my train trip to Virginia, and it seemed like a good travel book, so I brought it along and ended up reading the whole thing on the outbound train. I was right -- it was a good travel book. A collection of short stories taking place in pre-WWII China & Hong Kong, it seemed a backward trip in time, as they were arranged with the most modern storyline first, each following story seeming to progress more into traditional families and characters, though I would guess all took place within a decade or two of each other in time. Although occasionally the narrators were male, the sum effect was a grim picture of the few options open to women in the social roles at the time. One notable exception was the story of a male college student, trapped between the contradictions of his high social class, his shame at his parents' opium addiction, and the abuse suffered at the hands of his father. But even this misery was the result of his mother's entrapment in a loveless marriage, and his tumultuous feelings had disastrous consequences for a female classmate, so perhaps it was the exception that proves the rule. Masterfully written and stereotype-defying, it would be a worthy read for any lover of literature.

View all my reviews.

Book #7: Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:46:07 GMT

Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Okay, actually I read most of this book last year, but then it disappeared mysteriously -- until I finally discovered it behind the couch! It took a while to get back into the train of thought I'd left weeks (months?) ago, but I was very glad to finally finish it.

This was a life-changing book in many ways. It was one of those perfect books just two steps ahead of the reader's brain -- I was more than ready to agree with nearly everything contained within. And that covers a lot of ground! From research suggesting that exposure to nature is essential to a child's development to how sprawl and lawsuit-paranoid land-use policies have restricted this access to groups working to bring exposure to nature into the schools and into neighborhoods to play quality in "traditional" playgrounds vs natural areas to the effect of teaching environmentalism with an exclusively global focus while neglecting local flora & fauna and a sense of connection to place... It's exhaustive! But never exhausting. Each chapter spawned new ideas and grew new connections in my brain. The author made a deliberate effort to focus on causes for hope and suggestions for action, which I well appreciated.

I would recommend this book to anyone. Anyone with kids or who knows kids. Anyone interested in nature or the environment. Anyone interested in education. Anyone interested in changing the world and who dares to hope.

View all my reviews.

Book #6: Bicycles: Love Poems by Nikki Giovanni

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:35:29 GMT

Bicycles: Love Poems by Nikki Giovanni

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Appropriately, I bought this book on Valentine's Day, at the Book Mark in Mount Pleasant, killing time after our dinner at China Garden before it was time to pick up Jefferson from free child care at New Life church. Not only is it Nikki, but the cover called to me as a clear echo of her earlier collection, Love Poems, out in '97, which I discovered in college and was the true dawning of my love for her.

This book of poems is very much the same. The poet is a little older, a little wiser, but still joyful, still with a lust for life. Even in her most sorrowful poems, there is such love underneath the pain.

Not only do I adore Nikki, I want to be Nikki. I want to be able to react with such grace and such love. And of course, I'd love to be able to write about it so cleverly afterwords. And to bear up so cheekily under a love unrequited! Not for Nikki any stereotypical tearing of hair and rending of garments, but almost... merely, perplexion. That capability I envy, even if it turns out somehow it's faked....

View all my reviews.